King of the Fight

As stated in one of my previous posts, I'm not super into music. However, I am trying to like it more. I guess you could say I am making progress, but I did delete Spotify from my phone because I couldn't figure it out. I'll just stick with Pandora. 

In May we had a court date and we hoped to get some visitation with Mark. We haven't seen him since he left in December, and haven't talked to him since January. We went into court thinking the judge would uphold what she originally said and would give us visitation. However, once again, we were wrong. She said we don't get anything.

It just feels like our heart is continually being run over by an 18-wheeler. 

A couple of months ago I heard a new song on the radio by Lauren Daigle. As I listened to the beginning of the song, I was relating to everything she was singing about.

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side

Side-note: It is definitely a spiritual discipline to confess things that you know are true, but don't feel at the moment. 

I was definitely hooked by this point, but was on the edge of my seat when I heard the chorus.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

Yes? What? Please tell me! What is going to happen next because all of these things are happening to me currently. I have mountains that needed to be moved like a year ago. I have some major waters that need a good parting. I have been crying out to You for a year and a half about my sweet boy, and haven't gotten THE answer I want. 

A few possibilities of what she could possibly say next quickly ran through my mind as I listened the first time. Some of these included:

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I'll just wait 5 more minutes and then You will give me what I want

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I'll just pray one more time and then You will give me what I want

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I'll just go to church this Sunday and then You will give me what I want

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I'll just go on this mission trip and then You will give me what I want

A few more options ran through my head, but I think you get the point of where my thoughts were heading. Then, she sang the actual line for the first time.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you

Um… what? That's it. No life-changing wisdom? No catchy, uplifting phrase? I just have to keep trusting? Thanks Lauren. *insert eye roll*

I kept listening to the song- partly because I liked her voice, and partly because I was hoping she would change her mind and tell me some better news.

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Nope. There it was again. Ugh. The song continued with more of those phrases I knew to be true, but couldn't bring myself to say because they were too hard in my circumstance.

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

I remember where I was when I heard this song for the first time. I pulled over and googled the lyrics I remembered in order to find the song. I sat on the side of the road and read the lyrics over and over. I eventually pulled back on the road and asked God to help me be able to say those words. I believed them in my heart, but could not vocalize them. Sometimes when singing "Good Good Father" I have to just stand there at the "You are perfect in all of Your ways to us" part. While I believe that is true, sometimes I just don't feel it. That day I prayed that God would let me feel that His ways were always higher than mine and that His plans were always good. I needed Him to remind me that He had already been in every courtroom before I had. 

This song continued to come on the radio for the next couple of months, and I made Kyle be quiet and let me listen to it every time. I eventually memorized the words and was able to say some of them out loud, just not the hard ones. 

Wednesday, June 29th we went to court for the trial. This was supposed to be the last court date for Mark, and we did not feel confident. The judge ended up striking us from the case and basically said we no longer had a leg to stand on. 

Just like that, it was over. A year and a half worth of  confusion, court dates, and heartbreak was done.

I held it together until we got in the car, which I was pretty proud of. Even though we expected this to be the outcome, it didn't make it any easier. I will give you 3 guesses as to which song came on the radio as Kyle drove away. Here it was- my time to shine. If there was any time to tell God that I trusted Him, it was now. I was crying pretty hard at this point, but I forced myself to mouth the words. 

Half-way home Kyle got a phone call from the family who now has Mark and he asked if we wanted to FaceTime Mark that night. No contact with our sweet boy for 6 months, and now we were about to see his precious face. We got to talk to him that night, and then again four days later. Talk about life-giving. 

There is a chance we will get to see him face-to-face this upcoming week. Please pray that this will happen. While we know we won't get to be his parents and raise him, we still want him to grow up knowing that we love him. If the only thing that comes from this is that he grows up knowing that he was worth fighting for, then it was all worth it.


Our plan is to foster again around October/November.   

Please continue to pray with us. Pray for Mark. Pray for our next placement. Pray for our hearts. 

Thanks for going on this journey with us.