Tears- Part 1 of Many

The past week or so has been pretty tough on me- I cried more days than I didn't.

We told our moms about adopting. 

I was so worked up about it- I backed into the door of Kyle's truck. That's right. My first "wreck" in the 10 years I have been driving was 30 minutes before we were supposed to tell my mom about us adopting a child. I went and sat in the car and cried. These were tears of embarrassment and frustration.

I have no idea why I was so nervous while we were telling my mom, but I made Kyle do the talking and I just sat and cried. Kyle asked why I was crying, but I didn't know why- and I couldn't stop either. These were tears of nervousness. 

I guess I was just nervous about what my mom would say. I love her so much and need her on my side, the thought of her not standing behind me made me sick. But it was not that way at all. She was completely excited and on board. I cried some more. These were thankful tears.

Kyle and I are starting the adoption process, but we still want to become biological parents. I still have an aching in my heart to be pregnant and that isn't going to go away just because we are adopting. Every month that I do not become pregnant is met with heartache, sadness, and tears- lots of them. These are tears of disappointment.

We were able to finally experience some joy when we got to celebrate this week with our friends who found out they were going to have a baby. It was initially pretty rough to realize that there actually were people out there getting pregnant- I think I had convinced myself that it wasn't possible for anyone to conceive, as another friend of mine is going through the same struggle I am. I went home and cried myself to sleep. These were tears of self-pity.

After I was finished with my pity-party, I realized what a selfish jerk I had been. Here I am, knowing how difficult it is to become pregnant, and my immediate reaction was not immense elation for this wonderful couple. After I got over myself, I hope I was adequately able to express how excited I am for the parents-to-be. When I think of this couple raising a baby, I think of their child being immersed in the Word their entire life. I think of the love of God that will be instilled into this child. I think of what wonderful parents they will be. I think of how many times they will smile when looking at their new child. I think of how excited I am for them and I cry. These are tears of joy.

I pray for peace in God's timing. It is so much easier to say that when you're not in a situation that requires waiting, and this is really the first time I have ever had to depend on God's timing. I was reading a few blogs from people who are in the same process as we are, and what one lady talked about really struck a cord with me. She wrote about how Jesus didn't come when Martha first asked, and Lazarus died because of this. I am sure Martha had so many questions, mostly about why He didn't come, why had He waited? What good could come of the death of Lazarus? But He did come- just not in Martha's timing. And because He came when He did, they got to experience so much more than they had hoped. They only would have experienced God the Healer- not God the Conqueror of Death. 

I pray for patience as I wait on my Conqueror moment. 

*Note: At the time of posting this, I have not made this blog or the announcement of our adoption public. I don't want you to think I told the internet before we told our moms :)